skin and bones

yeah you're turning into something beautiful.

yeahh so ive been really sick for the past two days. it sucks man. those rolls definately just wore me out.. especially because i did them like twice in a week. yeserday i had two pieces of pizza. fuck me. and since there is no more purging for me, i just have to deal with it. after leaving the hospital i decided i will no longer purge. first of all ladies, its disgusting. and secondly, if youre going to do it, know the facts about it. in the long run, it WILL kill you. and when you do it, approximately only 30 % of the meals calories leave your body. lastly, it ruins your teeth, fucks up the inside of your mouth, and hurts your throat. know the facts. dont know any facts? ask me. after being entered into a hospital, and going to counsiling for the goddamn disease for almost three years now... TRUST ME... i will be able to answer your question.

i started a new blogring, by the way. i hate you ana, with all my heart. join it. i do have it on where you have to apply because i dont want this to be a blog with girls talking about dumbass shit. i want this one blog to be for real girls, with a real disease. if you want to join, or i left you a comment asking you to join, then just apply. i dont really care what you write when you apply, just tell me how long you have had anorexia. i really just wanna be able to visit your page and make sure its not fucking retarted.

im crying over david again. fuck him and fuck this. its over. theres no more talkin to him anymore.

much love, just another

this is the hardest breakup ever. DRT </3

i did rolls and shrooms last night (yes, at once) and went down to lil 5 and centennial park with kevin, alix, and jeff. it was so much fun.  i havent eaten anything in two days except a hashbrown yesterday.

god..... this is the hardest breakup ever. holy fuck i am just like breaking down and crying like every two seconds. its just so hard and that FUCKING asshole RIGHT after we break up he has to go and call that bitch BABY. i just have to remember that this is what i wanted...... its so hard. i need to stop crying.

i strive for perfection.

i starve for perfection.

Sooooo I just thought i'd write down my Book of Runes answer.... because it fit so perfectly to my life right now.

Stone: Perth (reversed)

Meaning: Initiation, something hidden, a secred matter

A counsil against excpecting too much, or expecting in the ordinary way, for the old way has come to an end: You simply cannot repeat the old and not suffer. Call in your scattered energies, concentrate on your own life at this moment, you own requirements for happiness. Perth counsils you neither to focus on outcome nor to bind yourelf with the memory of past achievements. In doing so, you rob yourself of true present, the only time in which self-change can be revealed. You may feel overwhelmed with exhaustion from meeting obstruction upon obstruction in your passage. Yet always you have a choice:  You can see this apparent negativity as bad luck, or you can recognize it as an obstacle course, a challenge specific to the initiation you are presently undergoing. Then each setback, each humiliation, becomes a test of character. When your inner being is being shifted and reforming on a deep level, patience, constancy and perserverance are called for. So stay centered, see the hmor, and keep your faith firm.

Runes are incredible, I swear. Everything in that made so much sense to me. A new place, a new life, the end to a life of counsiling, david and me and our relationship... everything. Try them sometime. And make sure you know how to use them properly.. because if you do, they'll tell you everything.

Ya'll... me and david broke up yesterday. I went over and basically told him we couldnt be together and I was really sorry but it couldnt work out. He cried. And I cried. And i dont know... it sucked. He got piss ass drunk and said some mean things to me that night and then I went over there today to see him because he didnt go to work, and he gave me all my shit back... our blanket, all my clothes that were over there, my dvds blah blah blah............. and then we had break up sex.  And now its over and idk, he's called me twice... and its just so hard because i want to pick up and be like "hey baby!! i miss you so much!!" but hes not my baby anymore and i gotta get that. dont get me wrong, i dont regret breaking up. i just hate me and hims status right now... and if you've ever cared about someone, you know that when theyre upset, you wanna kill whoever fucking hurt them and hold them in your arms and make them feel better.. but you cant do that when your the one that hurt them.

bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same..

hey ya`ll!! ahhh things have been SOOO crazy!! im sorry i havent been posting but ive just been soo fucking busy lately. i like it though.  and i dont know why, and idk i dont wanna make a big deal of it... but i never thought i could like kevin. it such a fuckin shock to me that we were just such tight friends and then all of a sudden its more... but its a good thing... and im happy with it. its just little things like today when we went out to the drained lake and sat in the middle of it and smoked. just had fun... and i just love bein with him. davids been leavin me messages all day sayin he misses me and he wants to see me. i just need to tell him that there is no more break, were simply just not getting back together.... but its so hard.  and bad news... i went out to ihop with my friend kandii this morning. i hate pancakes. i feel like such a goddamn fatass.. 478 calories altogether. fuck me. maybe i`ll have some soup in a lil which should make my intake something just over 500.  i guess thats alright. ughh.

to do list:

♦ pull up my grades before the end of the semester to atleast all b's

♦ get my job back

♦ get a new scale, cuz the bastards took mine away

♦ eat under 500 cals everyday

♦ drink 6 water bottles a day

♦ go down to 7 cigs a day

♦ get a new little bulldawg puppy

♦ start drum lessons with jackk

♦ get davids christmas present-- an Atlanta hatt <3 god that makes me wanna cry. i dont wanna tell him that its not gunna be like that anymore...

♦ get kevins present-- a cute little piece, maybe bong, from cloud nine

♦ get my daddys present-- hmmmm.... idk what to get him. i`ll find him somethin cool down at little 5.

♦ get my moms side presents...

okay thats all for now. ima keep up and cross out shit as it happens. anyone know the code to make a to do list at the side of your page?? that would be helpful. anyways, TELL ME HOW YA`LL ARE!!! gimme somethin to think about!! my life is boring and fucked up!! tell me about yours!!

much much much love to every other girl out there that undergoes the stress of ana everyday of their life. ya`ll are the strongest people in the world. ya`ll are fuckin soldiers and i share your pain <3

much love, just another